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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Ashlee's LiveJournal:

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Sunday, July 22nd, 2007
1:59 pm
stab!
That's the worst part ever...hearing about some other girl and what "could of" happened....but apparently nothing.
STAB!
9:30 am
My weekend...
It was alright.
Friday I went to Nicole's house for a bbq. I was in a good mood at the start and was ready to drink. I was drinking hypnotic and pinapple juice. When Matt came he brought up Chris and it went down hill from there for me. I managed to pretend to be happy. I did have some good moments. We took lots of crazy photos...still waiting for those kyle :P I need a facebook picture. When Emily and I left I was upset. Ended up baling when I got home....oops

Saturday Emily and I hung out. We went looking for a tv for her...I think she changed her mind now that she knows the price of flat screen tv's. We went back to my house ate lunch, watched some tv and had a little nap. Then we went to emily's so she could make her pasta salad and get ready. When we arrived at Chris' I didn't know anyone. But slowly people I knew came. I was drinking hypnotic again. It was nice to see Chad, I was kinda bummed out that I was not going to see him while he was visiting. It was also nice to see Brenda because I have been talking a lot with her. I figure talk to someone with experience....and she has A LOT. Not that anything she says makes me feel much better. After eating we went to the Wheel House. Two guys from the party started talking with me and Emily. The one guy was following me all night. He was really nice...but I wasn't interested. He bought me a drink, and bugged me a lot to dance with him. He was originally from Peru. The guy talking to Emily was from Mexico city. I met this girl Ashley, we talked a lot. She was talking about her boyfriend that broke up with her 5 months ago. So we talked a lot about that. She was really nice. And she didn't like to dance either like me :P
I felt like a lost soul all weekend. I felt alone even when I was around lots of people. I just want my life to be back on track....it's going to take a long time.
Thursday, July 19th, 2007
4:31 pm
Sorta, kinda, missed my period.
What's new with me....hmmm
I got my nails done...lol it's so weird to type with them. Trying to put on my chap stick is kinda funny, it doesn't really work when it's close to the bottom, it all just goes up the finger nail.
I was ok with the nail file, better then last time anyways. Woohoo I concord a fear.
Work has been pretty good. I have been keeping busy.
I cleaned a bunch of the toys candace and I bought on my holiday and now I have been organizing them so I can sell them. Nancy (my boss) is going to buy some. My house is covered in toys :P
I have been trying to eat less....well first I was to upset and stressed to eat, now I just figure I will go with it.
I think I have lost some weight.
My mom says I have and Lisa at work mentioned something today.
That would be nice to lose weight...lol I have been wanting to for a long time, but you know you just get comfortable in routines and situations. Things change I guess.
Of course I am still upset, and I won't lie I cry at least once a day. Because it still does hurt like crazy when I think about it. But I figure I will do it his way and just not think about it. Life is to short to dwell. People tell me there are other guys out there. Of course I know that. I think I was a pretty good girlfriend. I treated him pretty good. I let him do his own things, and have his guys night, and I cooked for him, and bought him little gifts. The only thing I complained about was sometimes not seeing him enough. What can I say I am a girl sometimes I am needy. The one hard part is going to be finding new guys and having that connection. I always thought chris and I had a good connection from day one. So it's going to be hard to find that again. And of course I still think about well maybe it can still happen. But at the same time I can't sit here and wait for him. I don't think I will go out searching for someone else either though. If I knew for sure that we would end up together I would wait as long as it took....but I don't know, I don't even think he wants that to ever happen. His confusion and reasons for breaking up just confuse me.
I guess it's just life. Everyone has to have their heart broken at least once. I never realized how painful it would really be. You know the saying, what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger. I hope this makes me stronger...and if I am to ever get my heart broken again I will be better at it. Do you even think that's possible, that being heart broken can get easier?
I don't think so....Brenda and Chad have done it 5 times.
I dunno how she did it. She is like my new hero. I hope that this time it works out for them. They seem to be starting to get their life on the same track and both are happy with who they are. I guess that's just what they needed.

Anyways.

My plans for the weekend.
I am going to Nicole's BBQ thingy on friday. I think I will probably drink. I think I am ready for a good stiff drink. I have been putting that off. It was just not my way of dealing with things. Drinking never fixes my problems, lol normally it made them worse and I would cry more. I am not dressing up in theme cause I don't have anything...and I didn't have time to shop.

Saturday was suppose to be Lisa's BBQ but I dunno if she is doing it yet. So I dunno what I am doing then. I should go to some club or something. Anyone going clubbing?

On tuesday I am going to dancing with the stars with my mommy :)
Monday, July 16th, 2007
5:02 pm
Almost 2 weeks of bleeding.....that can't be good.
Sunday, July 15th, 2007
4:50 pm
Looking at it from a positive....
Emily (Shane's Girlfriend), her cousin was dating this guy for 5 years. She is the same age as me. her boyfriend died in a motorcycle accident....at least Chris isn't dead.....
Thursday, July 5th, 2007
6:43 pm
Another day has past. So looks like I am going to the football game tomorrow....I am dreading it. How can I sit and watch that sport. Candace begged me to come, she is bringing Jay and one of Jay's friends. She said SHE would be the third wheel with him there so she needs me to come. My mom told me I should go....so I guess I am going.
I can't talk to my mom on the phone anymore, she makes me cry every time. I am still a mess, lost, and all that other crap. My mind won't stop thinking, thinking about why, and what if, and if maybe, or maybe because of this or that. It's driving me insane. I don't know were things are going. Having no contact with someone who you had so much with before leaves you doing nothing. Good thing I have barley eaten so I have little energy so I just lay there. When will this pain go away? When will I feel whole again?
I probably said some mean things to him...but I didn't care at that point.
He needs to figure himself out...that seems to be the issue.

Anyone doing anything saturday...I think I need to get out of the house
Wait...and ALL next week. I have the whole week off. My plan is to burn my sorrows at the gym....lol hopefully anyways.
Wednesday, July 4th, 2007
5:37 pm
Everything needs time.....time to heal? time to forget? time to remember? time to discover yourself?
You can't keep a secret in the internet world. Most of you have probably heard by now. It's happened again.
I try so hard to be strong and not cry. I have moments were I do really well. But it feels like nothing is going to heal this pain I feel in my heart. I can't eat anything, the sight of food makes me feel like throwing up. Why lie I am really a complete mess. I feel like my world has come crashing down. I may have had doubts in my life but I thought Chris was for real. The one good thing in my life. The one who I gave my whole self to. It feels like I wont' be able to do it again. Chris was pretty much my whole life, I was dedicated to him...so what does that leave me with, not much, this big empty hole in my heart.
I don't really understand what happened.I don't know if it can be fixed with some space, and some time for him to find himself and what he wants.
My mom said "screw him". Gotta love a mom's repsonse.
I dunno...maybe down the road when he gets his life together and finds out who he is. If he even wants me in his life again, I dunno? I think we are just in different places. I had a plan. I had these hopes and dreams of being with him, I have my career...maybe he needs to figure that out...I really don't know. Whatever is ment to be I guess.

For now I will go to work, come home and lay on the couch. Yes I am going to drown myself in my sorrows. The idea of doing anything is painful. everything reminds me of him and it's only been a day. I can't listen to the radio cause I break down crying, I can't watch certain TV shows, I can't go to the football game friday cause it was his favorite sport, I can't just go to vegas with Candace...that was suppose to be our trip,I couldn't even buy a scratch ticket today.
I am even more confused about my life. The one thing going for me is gone. I don't handle this shit well as I guess you can see.
like everyone has told me, I will love again, to someone else, or even one day to him again, that everything needs time.
It's hard to belive that shit right now.
Lisa told me Stephen broke up with her for the same similar reason, and chad and brenda broke up several times to...I don't think I could do this several times. Not with Chris or anyone....but I guess that's part of life.
I don't know when we will talk again...or if he will even call me. We didn't end things with a goodbye, I was to busy crying and being angry. I miss him already and wish I could call him so he could make me feel better....but I am not going to do that cause of this whole "time issue". I hope he calls me one day...
So you pick your pick....time to heal? time to forget? time to remember? time to discover yourself?

So don't ask me how I am doing because this answers it all. I am miserable, I am falling apart, I have shut down, I feel like a zombie walking around at work pretending like nothing is wrong.

Sorry for this rambling....I needed to get it out.
Monday, July 2nd, 2007
11:22 am
I gave up on a lot of things this weekend....couldn't take it anymore
This weekend was alright. Friday I hung out with chris. We went to dinner and rented two movies. I of course fell asleep during the second one. I always do that on friday night.
Saturday I decided I would go shopping. I didn't get anything, not that I didn't want to, I just couldn't find anything I liked. Alissa came home with me and we sat on talked on the deck before Candace came over. With much decision we decided to go to olive garden for dinner. We had an hour wait so we did some shopping at chapters...I didn't get anything again. Candace came back home with me and we cracked open the bucket of slushy drink. It was so strong. We went to 711 to get some 7up. There was this old creepy man that was talking dirty to us. He was being really loud and everyone in 711 could hear him and they were laughing. I almost peed my pants. If I was out on the street I would of been freaked out. He wanted to know which one of us was more horny. What a perv. Anyways we booted it out of the store and ran as soon as he turned around. When we got back Emily was there. We had enough to drink and we were both passing. Poor Emily came over and we were out of it. Sorry Emily :P
The next day we ate some food and pretty much layed in our pj's for hours. After she left I didn't do much else. I did make it to zellers looked at more clothes and only came out with a shirt....I hate shopping for pants...so I gave up. I came home and decided to make Chris dinner. It was going to be a salad. I cut the lettuce and made everything for it. But I forgot to put the lettuce back in the fridge so it went kinda soggy....so I gave up and decided not to give it to him.
Chris was off at 8. We headed down to the fireworks. We sat on the grass and talked for awhile. We ran into Brenda and had a talk with her. The fireworks were pretty good. It seemed like a long walk back. Chris was tired so it was a silent walk. I stayed for a bit then headed on my way.

That's the story of my weekend.

I feel really down today. I dunno why. Well I do but I don't. I just don't feel I have an idea of were my life is going to go. It's something that gets to me once in awhile. I have no confidence but I don't feel I have reason to. Like my weekend went, I just feel like giving up. Becoming a zombie and just float through life....but then again how fun could that be. I am just having one of those days....I am sure it will pass.

Today I am going to Candace's bday bbq. Chris is coming as well. It's in maple ridge....it should be fun and cheer me up a bit.
Sunday, June 3rd, 2007
2:03 pm
It's not as easy as saying exactly what you want
This week was a good week. I did lots of stuff. Monday I hung out with Chris. Tuesday I did as well. I made him dinner and we watched some TV on his new TV. Wednesday I went to the states with Nicole after work to get chocolate bars for the Alissa and Emily's bday cards. That was fun. We went back to her place and started to work on the story. Thursday Candace and I went shopping at guildford and Metro. I didn't find anything :(

Friday after work Candace and Nicole and I headed to Nicole's house to get ready for the mirage. We drank most of the bottle of alcohol we had before we left. Getting ready in the heat was sick! By the time we got to Red Robin we were all feeling it....especially Candace who pretty much yelled "BLOW JOB" in the restaurant. It was awesome lol. She was pretty drunk. We got the mirage 10 minutes before everyone. Then we started the drinking. I didn't start dancing till of course I was drunk. Candace and I were dancing and some guy grabbed me and started to dance with me. Stupid Candace left me. I was dancing with him but pretty much looking for a way out. He bent down to put his drink down and was grabbing me so I pushed him and ran. lol. loser. Candace and I found Adam's friend Vlad. We bought him a Dr. Pepper shot and he bought us something else as well. After dancing with him and a bunch of other people we had to leave cause adam was falling asleep and got kicked out. It was a fun night. Everyone was pretty drunk...good times :)

Saturday I was pretty hung over. Nicole made me toast and some milk and that seemed to help. My neck is so sore from sleeping on the couch. Nicole and I went to pick flowers for the girls and then I ended up going home....only to find that my dog shit and pissed all over the place. I had to clean it. After I had a nap. It was a well needed nap. We met up with everyone at milestones for dinner. I had not seen some of the people in a long time...like mary and drew. It was nice to see them and talk again. After dinner we talked for a bit then we went home. I was in the mood to just hang out with myself. I watched some tv and fell asleep.

Today I am suppose to go see pirates of the caribean with nicole, adam and chris. For the most part it was a good weekend....it's not over yet though :P
Sunday, May 27th, 2007
11:09 pm
My confidence feels low
This was a pretty good weekend. I spent friday with Chris. We had a nice dinner at Sammy J peppers and "watched" a movie....I fell asleep. Saturday I had lots of fun shopping with Emily and Alissa. We spent a good hour in one store, trying on SEVERAL items :P and walked out with nothing :)I bought a new purse and shirt :) Then we had the relay meeting. I did my shirt all by myself this year :) Chris came back to my house for a bit after. Today I went to see Shrek with Candace, then to the casino and out for dinner. That was lots of fun as well. We don't hang out much outside of work. She needed some time away from the kids and Jay.

Everything is about the same with me. Nothing new as usual. I am feeling like I am stuck in a big pot hole and I keep moving back and forth but I can't get out. My life doesn't seem to be going anywhere right now. I think we all get to this point in life. I don't want to back out of the pot hole I want to make it to the other side. It's just a matter of doing that....stupid metaphors :P I dunno where my life is headed and I think that sometimes scares me. Nothing is wrong with my life, I just want to grow and move past this point. I dunno how to do this though. I am done school, and I am still working in the same place. I still live at home....at least I finally own my own car. I think I am just being hormonal right now :P lol I get like that sometimes. Tomorrow is a new day. Lets see what it has to offer.
Thursday, April 26th, 2007
11:00 pm
CRASH, STOMP!
The life of Ashlee.....
well it's been alright. I am excited that I will be getting my $3 an hour raise. I still don't make a whole lot, but I am fine with it for now. I had a pretty shitty week. It all started with last weekend and being sick, then it carried on during the week, then I got my period. It seems like it's been one thing after another. I am DONE! I am so glad tomorrow is friday. It doesn't feel like I didn't work monday. I was really grumpy at work. I got very little sleep...that's enough to make me grumpy. Candace and I, after work, went to the King of Floors to look at laminate for the daycare and to look at a children's gym in langley. I was ready for bed when I got home....but yeah...look at the time, I am still up. I can't sleep again....poopy

Nothing else seems new to me. Still in that rutt where I am not moving much up nor down. It's getting old. I need something new...I need a holiday.

I am in the process of saving my money so I can either buy a place eventually or to start some kind of buisness. Hopefully eventually both. I am so use to being poor that I have become so cheap, so I don't think it will be hard to save money. So far I have 1000 and I just started last month. After this pay check I will have some more :) I can't wait for that part of my life, where I can finally do something with myself. I think everyone gets this way sometimes, where it feels like you wake up and you do the same thing everyday. It gets boring after awhile. Can't do much different when you have no money.

blah blah blah this is a ramble because I can't sleep. Perhaps I will go back to tossing back and forth in my bed. Have a good day tomorrow everyone....WOOOHHOO for the weekend. So far only plans saturday...hmmm
Sunday, March 25th, 2007
10:03 pm
The life of Ashlee
So my life like always is about the same. I am almost out of debt. Soon as my tax money comes in the mail, which I am thinking should be this week. I get almost 1400 back, which is more then enough to pay my dad off and leave me with some. I also have a 1000 pay check coming so I am doing really good with money right now...for me anyways. I just bought a new queen size bed and bed frame, which I paid off already today :) Which leaves me with 100 till friday...which is LOTS for me.

Anyways. Work is going alright. The people I work with are stressful...well the other side and my boss. That's a long boring story. I am on practicum right now. Which is at my work so it's pretty much the same thing I always do. Though we have done some changes for the better :) End of April or May I will get a 2$ raise...well I am suppose to, if not I am finding a new job.

This weekend was pretty good. On friday I hung out with a bunch of chris' friends that are girls, the bingo crew. They invited me to the "girls night". It turned out better then I thought, since I really didn't want to go because I don't know them that well. I got drunk so it was all good.

It's nice with Chris having his own place. He has already cooked me dinner twice :) and saturday morning he made me a HUGE breakfast which was good as well. It's so much quieter there then his mom's house.

I went with my parents today to look at town houses. I don't want to move out of my house, I love my house. I am glad that they were discouraged by what's out there. When they came home and looked at our house...I think they might change their minds...i am hoping they do.

I am still taking one class right now...well it ends this saturday. I have a test on thursday, and I have not even read ANY of the book the whole entire time I have been in the class...oops. So I am going to have some reading to do this week. I forgot the book at work, good one Ashlee! I am not looking forward to the all day saturday class...BLAH!
My teacher comes to see our center tuesday and to have a talk with Candace and I. I am a little worried, but Candace is not cause she has had this teacher for practicum before.

Anyways enough about boring old me...
Thursday, February 1st, 2007
10:49 pm
My give a damn's busted
woohooo for thursday being over. That means one day left of work and on to the weekend. This week went by quickly. It was nice :)
Nothing major for the weekend. Being lazy probably.

What a boring post. ARG!
Just need to settle down so I can go to sleep. I can't go to sleep as soon as I get home...well that's all
Sunday, January 28th, 2007
10:47 am
If I had a choice...I know what mine would be
My weekend was pretty good. I was glad for it to finally come. Actually my week went pretty quick. I got in a fight at work with this girl who works on the other side. Not a fist fight or anything. But she got all up in my face and I pushed her away and we were yelling at eachother. It was all over something stupid that had nothing to do with her. And the situation that she was yelling at me and Candace for was already solved cause we talked to the girl we were having issues with. Anyways everyone ended on a good note. Well not the girl that got in mine and then Candace's face she ended up walking away and we have not talked to her since. This is why all girls working together should be illegal or something.

Friday night I went out with chris and his friends from work. We went and saw a movie...flaming aces or something. It was alright. Not the greatest. After we went to Jimmy Macs. I got to have my spinich dip :)

Saturday I woke up and went to little Jason's bday party. I went to Candace's to get all the stuff cause her car wouldn't have room for it. The party went well. The kids seemed to have a blast. I had to go into the play area because some of the younger ones were afraid to get going. Once I walked around with them for a bit they were fine. You couldn't keep them away. We coudln't get the kids to sit long enough so we decided to open the presents at their house. I went back for that. He was so cute. He seemed to really enjoy himself. Later that night I went to Emily's Thanks for having us again Emily. We watched two movies.

Sunday....the boring day. I don't have any plans. No one is home, so I will probably just sit around trying not to think of what tomorrow brings.....WORK!
Sunday, January 21st, 2007
1:35 am
Glass falls off the counter...crash! shatter!
Sunday, January 7th, 2007
11:46 pm
It's like waiting for water boil, It seems like it takes forever, the more that you watch the longer it seems to take. Water never seems boil when you are watching it.
Tuesday, December 26th, 2006
9:30 am
Merry Belated Christmas everyone!
Hope you guys all had a good one and that Santa was good to you. I think he is pretty good to everyone :P
My Christmas was alright this year. We got up around 8:30 to open presents. I got a cool photo printer that I wanted. It prints pretty good pictures. I got lots of jackets/zipups this year....ummm...6 I think. They are all different though which is good. I got matching car mats for my car, and lots of gift cards. A bunch of other stuff as well. I had a nap after all that opening...I think everyone in my house did.
We went to my aunt and uncles for 5. My cousin from out of town at school was there, he also brought his german friend who was pretty funny. He spoke pretty good english though. He was an amazing piano player. Chris didn't make it this year which was disapointing for me, I will get over it though. He stayed home to I think do a puzzle then go to the movies with friends. Everyone was asking were he was. The german guy could probably out eat Chris. He was crazy. But he was also such a quick eater, I thought adam was, but this guy was shoveling it in.
Scott sang his song but was pretty drunk so it didn't sound as good.
I only drank at the beginning and then I stopped. I can't seem to drink much. 3 drinks and I couldn't drink anymore. So by like 9:30-10 I was sober. We left around 12:30-1ish,
Grandma, grandpa and uncle shawns cab was still not there. They were having trouble finding a 5 person cab. So who knows when they got to leave.

Now I am up early waiting for Emily (shane's emily) to come pick me up so we can go shopping. We are just going to the outletts. Nothing mager....the same sales will be there all week, so who really cares.

I think I am seeing chris when I am done shopping.

New years is coming, I am not for sure what we are doing yet. Candace is going to see if Jay can get a babysitter. If not we might just drink and play some poker. Does anyone else have any good plans???
Sunday, November 26th, 2006
4:17 pm
So it's coming to end of my birthday...man am I old...I get to hold out till tuesday on it being my birthday because we had to change my bday dinner till tuesday cause of this snow. I had a pretty good one. I pretty much sat around during the day. Went and got a quick hair cut before dinner. Was at Olive Garden for around 2.5 hours. I was disappointed that they threw out the rest of my meal when I said I wanted it packed up. It was a little confussing cause Matt, Kyle and Diana got held up I guess at the mountain and still showed up almost 2 hours late. Felt bad for the waitress who was almost done serving us and had to end up doing 4 more orders quickly. But I guess that's her job. I was glad to see that Mary came. I don't get to hang out with her ever.
After dinner we made the crazy trip to the trailer. Almost made it to the border and Adam forgot his birth certificate so we had to turn around. So we made the crazy drive again. We stopped and got some alchole at the duty free and made it to the trailer where we found Alissa and Amanda. We had a drink and sat around and talked till about 1:30. I was feeling like shit and coudln't drink or stay up any longer. I hate being sick. We woke up to found that it started snowing again so we packed up quickly to get home before we got stuck there.
The drive to the border was pretty good, only got stuck once but chris pushed us out. Once we got across the border and to the hill on hwy 10 it was backed up with trucks and cars stuck on the side of the road. People were sliding. We got stuck at once point so we got out to push. Soon as I got out my legs slide apart and I almost did the split...Nicole held me up though. Then while pushing we were sliding and both nicole and CHRIS fell into the snow...We did get out though. THEN in my caldisac they got stuck backing out but managed to get out again.
My birthday dinner is not happening anymore....well just no grandparents and curtis. We still get the potato dumplings though :) We will be having the dinner on tuesday now....chris misses out on the dumplings again...I am going to try and save one for him to have later.

So that was my birthday....I still get presents today from my parents and brothers...lol well adam said he is not going out now to get me anything. Then tueday from my grandparents :)

Thank you all that came to my dinner last night, and thanks for the scratch tickets...I think I won 14-16$ I can't remember....I won more on the 1$ then the more expensive ones.
Saturday, November 18th, 2006
6:02 pm
An update of Ashlee...
Not a whole lot is new with me. I have slowly...and I mean slowly started to look into the process of opening my own daycare. So much shit you gotta look into. I have a bunch of numbers but don't know what I should be asking...so annoying. I wish it was just easier.

Candace and I went to look at a whole lot of toys at this ladies house. It has big things as well, shelves, a climber, a play house a bunch of toys, ect. We bought it all for 1000. We have only paid 100 for now. We have to give her some boxes and she will box it for us. Then we will pick it up sometime soon...I guess then store it in my crawl space. So that's a step....but should be the last. But why not buy it all at once like that. Makes things easier. I also got toys from my mom from a sample sale.

That's the biggest update on me.

My birthday is next week...I will keep you all posted on that. I don't really know what I am going to do yet. I know I want to go to olive garden for dinner, either on the friday or saturday. I am not much into clubing, so I dunno. I don't think my parents are going to the trailer. Maybe I will go there. Would anyone be interested in that?
Thursday, October 26th, 2006
7:04 am
Today is picture day at work....the result of getting the group picture I like, it's getting that picture that is going to stress me out. The photographer that comes in is not very good at getting the kids to sit down and smile. All he says is "pickle"....as I can remember last year. I hope that the babies don't cry. We take their picture all the time...they SHOULD be use to it by now. All 3 new babies are suppose to be coming for the picture...that should be interesting.
Wish me luck! :S
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